Learning to follow my heart

Image courtesy of Narayana Health

I grew up in a household where logic and rationality were valued and rewarded. Emotions, along with acting in ones own self-interest were seen as disdainful, weak and embarrassing. As a result, I have not only spent decades priding myself on keeping my needs and feelings in check, I believed that getting emotional at work - crying - was up there with the top 3 career killing moves of all time. Something to be avoided at all costs, along with yelling at your boss or turning up drunk (although the severity of this may depend on the company culture and the country you work in!)

Over the years, while I revelled in my skill at remaining rational and unemotional at all costs, especially at work, I began to have nagging doubts about whether the life plan I was following was actually the right one for me. I began to wonder if I was really pursuing my own dreams and whether my goals were truly mine or not. I would torture myself with the question of what would I do if I won the lottery and didn’t need to work for a living.  None of the answers I gave myself, other than developing cirrhosis of the liver, seemed genuine and believable. It certainly made me feel a bit pointless. 

From time to time, I found myself in a situation that encouraged reflection and consideration of purpose, my instinctive response is that I wanted to get better at  “following my heart” - which felt at the time like it was locked away in a inaccessible vault - so that I could understand my purpose in life and be the real me. I tried for many years to spring the lock and get access to my true feelings.

Like the story of the Golden Buddha in Wat Traimit, that was hidden in plain sight by ugly concrete and protected from Burmese invaders, it turns out that my feelings had been plastered over by a ton of beliefs I picked up as a child, that may never have been true and were definitely not useful to me as an adult. A few things have helped me strip back the layers and tune into my heart. I thought I would share them here:

1. Getting a coach (or three). One of the key tools of coaching is the use of powerful questions and one way they can be used is to challenge and dismantle longstanding belief systems. Questions like “is that really true?” and “what would happen if you did/didn’t?”  expose flawed thinking that totally dissolves when exposed to the light of day. 
   
   Explaining ones childish, nonsensical thinking processes to another person is both simultaneously agonising and palliative. It’s not possible to look at them in the same way again. What is particularly curious about this experience is that it seems so significant to the coach but often the coach is blissfully unaware that a huge, lifelong logjam has finally been unblocked!
   
   
2. Taking some time out was also very helpful. I have never voluntarily had a break from work longer than 3 weeks. In fact, after the first 3 week holiday I ever had, which I loved so much I didn’t want to come home, I limited myself to 2 weeks off max - as a rule - and rarely took more than a week off in practice. For the first time ever, not that long ago, I was able to take a break to spend time reading, reflecting and considering what my life purpose might be. 
   
   
3. In that time, I discovered the Japanese concept of IKIGAI a fairly ancient way of looking at life. The term comes from the combination of the word ‘shell’, which used to be very highly valued a thousand years and the word ’value’. Together they represent the joy of life, a reason to get up in the morning. Whats so important about IKIGAI, is that it doesn’t have to be huge, it can be the delight a grandparent gets from a grandchild or the pleasure to be had from creating a beautiful home or garden.
   
   The possibility of having a reason for being that was so fundamentally human, universal and simultaneously so trivial was completely liberating to me. Our culture pressurises us to be unique or be the best at whatever we try to do. So in the past whenever I stopped to consider what my purpose might be, I thought I’d have to aim high and do great things - otherwise, I would be seen as an also-ran, an unimportant loser.
   
   Once I found it, I realised it had always been with me, like a solid thread running through my life. The funny thing is that it was never lost. Like the golden Buddha, it was always there, just covered up and hidden, perhaps in an attempt to protect it (and me). What drives me is to find ways to make life easier, more joyful, friction-free for my fellow human beings and the way I found it was to accept that it didn’t have to be exceptional and unique and life changing. It could be quite ordinary and commonplace and it could still give me tremendous joy and satisfaction. 
   
   
4. And the other thing I have discovered is how to recognise and dismiss my saboteurs, those unhelpful voices in my head, who represent world view I had as a small vulnerable child and listen instead to my wiser, sage self. So no more beating myself up, saying yes when I want to say no, doing things I know are not in my best interests. I am learning (it’s a lifetimes work!) how to do this applying the principles of Positive Intelligence and am starting to introduce this approach into my work. Whats particularly exciting is that it actually rewires your brain, so that you can stop doing what you always did, if that didn’t work for you. Anyone reading this who wants to know more about how to do this, please give me a shout.
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It turns out the real me is a lot nicer than the old me. And more fearless and less judgmental. My only regret is that I spent such a long time trying to keep her out of sight and hidden for so long.